Follow this rule, and dads will never again have to get up in the middle of the night.

New fathers will be shocked to learn that, even though they haven’t been outfitted with mammaries, they will be fully expected to participate in the raising of an infant. Particularly horrifying is when the baby starts crying in the middle of the night, and the father is expected to get up and change diapers.

To get out of this duty, follow what I call the “W. Bruce Cameron Dictionary Method.” Buy a thick hardcover dictionary of the English language, wrap it in towels, and place it in the baby’s bedroom. The next time the baby starts crying in the middle of the night, whisper sweetly to your wife, “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll take care of it.” When you get to the baby’s
room, lift the dictionary above your head and drop it straight to the floor. This will make a loud bang that will resonate throughout every room of the house.

Immediately afterward, scoop up your baby into your arms, and when your wife comes rushing in with apanicked look on her face, crying, “What just happened?” you can look back at her innocently and reply, “What do you mean? I didn’t hear anything.”

From this point forward, every time the baby cries in the middle of the night, she will insist on getting up to take care of it herself.
—W. BRUCE CAMERON
SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA