In-Law Trouble Tips

When there's trouble, try this.

I can see that what I’ve learned in my training as a life coach can be applied to relationships with my in-laws. Here’s how I’d approach in-law trouble from the point of view of a life coach.

• BE PRESENT. It is easy to get caught up in stories of how your in-laws were overbearing while you were planning the wedding, or how your father-in-law criticized your job on one of your first meetings. While these things can certainly shape a relationship, it is important to judge your in-laws by how they treat you now. Looking back, you may have wished you had done something different in dealing with them.

• LOOK AT THE PICTURE FROM DIFFERENT ANGLES. What you see as negative may be appreciated by someone else in the same situation. The way you see something makes a difference. You may look at your father-in-law as overbearing instead of overly caring. You may find that your mother-in-law’s habit of cleaning up your house is actually a great thing. Ask yourself: How do I currently view my in-laws? What would a good relationship with my in-laws look like? What do I want? Design your life from this vantage point, instead of being a passive participant in the relationship.

• APPRECIATE THAT WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES. This will help create more understanding. Friction often exists between people because each one is expressing a deeply important value. What you do for a living does not always reflect who you are, so try not to judge your in-laws from this place. To figure out your values versus those of your in-laws, think about how each of you would choose to spend a vacation, your favorite topics of conversation, and what each person’s hobbies are. You will get a sense of a person’s values by listing these things.

Then imagine that it is a year from now and this issue is resolved and you are very content. What did you do to make that a reality? What changes did you have to make in order to change the situation?”