How to deal with, and rely on, ones closest to you as your marriage dissolves.
Getting a divorce? Here's some advice on dealing with friends and family from the book "You Can Keep the Damn China! And 824 Other Tips on Dealing With Divorce" (Hundreds of Heads Books, www.hundredsofheads.com, $13.95), straight from people who've done it:
“I have lost all my friends and family, except for my father, with this divorce, leaving me with no support system. This was because I was never my own person during the relationship; our friends were really just his friends. Some of these people used to even call me and harass me.”
—Monica Willett, Fort Myers, Fla., married 12 years, divorced 1 year
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“Watch out for the people who tell you right away that they plan on staying friends with both of you: That’s a sure sign that they will side with your spouse.”
—Bill Daugherty, Frostburg, Md., divorced 13 years
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“My friend and I were both going through a divorce and we helped keep each other busy. She wanted to paint some rooms in her house, and she had spackled holes the size of Cincinnati. We were sanding for three hours; it got so bad she had to have somebody else finish the rooms. It was good to know that if I was desperate to do something, she was there for me. There was no time to sit in the bed and cry. We had stuff to do.”
—Maryann Gabriel, Franklin, Mass., married 2 years, divorced, remarried 15 years
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“Here’s where the problem comes in: You met someone and hit it off, and then you went out as couples, and your husband and her husband also became fast friends. Now the men are friends, but they only know each other because of the original relationship between the women. That puts the men in a tough spot after the divorce. As the ex-wife, you have to be the bigger person and not cause problems if they want to remain friends. Don’t ask your girlfriend why her husband keeps hanging out with your deadbeat ex. Always take the high road and it will lead you to better places.”
—Tammy Nelson, Midlothian, Md., married 5 years, divorced 9 years
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“If you are close to members of your ex’s family, try not to let the divorce ruin the relationship. I had become very good friends with my wife’s brother, and I wanted to remain friends. It took some time, but he came to understand that just because I couldn’t live with his sister didn’t mean that he and I couldn’t get along.”
—Greg Devries, Poland, Ohio, married, divorced 9 years
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“The support I found in the days and months afterwards was from my family and a local church I found while soul-searching. I can’t tell you how critical it is to not hole yourself up in your room and wallow in your own misery; it’s important to find people who share your goals and want the same happiness that you want.”
—Alex C. Schaefer, Brookfield, Wis., married 5 years, divorced 2 years
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© 2006, Hundreds of Heads Books, Inc.