Helping children cope with divorce.
Getting a divorce? Here's some advice on children and divorce from the book "'You Can Keep the Damn China! And 824 Other Great Tips on Dealing With Divorce" (Hundreds of Heads Books, www.hundredsofheads.com, $13.95), straight from people who've done it:
“During a divorce, children can make life seem worthwhile again. But you have to put on a happy face for them. It’s not their problem that their parents are no longer together. Make sure their lives remain positive and good and that you don’t create a poisonous atmosphere for them.”
—F.R., Sydney, Australia, married 17 years, divorced 2 years
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“My daughter was college-aged, confident, and mature when her dad and I started going through the divorce. I saw her crumble and become a little girl again. When it was time to tell her everything, I had to spoon-feed her at first, but I knew I had to tell her the truth so she could understand it.”
—Anonymous, Knoxville, Tenn., married 25 years, divorced, remarried 1 year
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“If you take care of yourself, your kids will be fine. My ex-husband had our sons with him on the weekends. I started playing more tennis, taught parenting classes, and spent time with my friends. I did special things for myself, like buying flowers. I also redecorated my bathroom, filling it with plants and candles. My sons called it my mystical bath.”
—Susie Walton, San Diego, Calif., married 19 years, divorced 14 years
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“I stood up to my ex-husband when he had my daughter for the weekend and she got an earache. He wanted me to take her to the doctor. I said, ‘You will. She’s your daughter and you will take her.’ I told him he doesn’t just get her for the fun stuff. That approach led to their closer relationship. He even ended up as her ‘room mother’ when I was working full-time and she was in grade school.”
—A.B., Prairie Village, Kan., married and divorced
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“If you have children, don’t question them about what is going on in your ex-spouse’s life. This only makes your children uncomfortable, and it does nothing to foster a cordial relationship with your ex. My ex-husband had the bad habit of grilling the children on what I was up to (dating and otherwise) when they would go to visit. It got so bad that the children would become physically ill before their visits. Once we all learned how to navigate our changed relationships with one another, things got a lot better.”
—W.F.R.M., Oklahoma City, Okla., married twice, divorced twice
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“My husband and I have sort of a Brady Bunch family. We each have three kids from our first marriage. Both of our exes still live close by so that the kids get to spend time with their other parents. That time is really important. No matter how much we dislike our former spouses, the kids still want to spend time with them. It’s good if you live close enough for that to happen.”
—Diane Smith, Harmony, Pa., married 3 years, divorced, re-married 7 years
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“My 10-year-old son wrote a poem about having his heart ripped out called ‘Why Me?’ He feels better now, and when he reads it I remind him that time makes everything easier.”
—Anonymous, Toronto, Ontario, married 12 years, divorced 1 year
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“Remember that whatever you say about your marriage or your ex will most likely, even 30 years from now, get back to your ex or your children. And take it from me: Hearing something negative about your parents 30 years after their divorce can still be very painful.”
—Alexis, Knoxville, Tenn., married 5 years, divorced 2 years
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“When you aren’t the custodial parent, you have to make sure you connect with your kids. That means doing fun things that the everyday parent can’t always justify doing. You do the things they want to do, like playing miniature golf, going to amusement parks, or making ice cream. It gives you a chance to bond.”
—Kim L. Jaffe, Redmond, Wash. married 8 years, divorced, remarried 27 years
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“It was unusual for a dad to have custody when I got divorced, but there was never any question that my daughter was going to live with me. The lifestyle that her mother wanted didn’t involve a child.”
—Anonymous, Sikeston, Mo., married 15 years, divorced, remarried 6 years
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“Dads, if there is a parent-teacher conference, guess what? You are still a parent.”
—Kyle, Fairfield, Conn., married 13 years, divorced 7 years
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“In Vermont there’s a rule that if you have kids and want to get divorced, you have to take a Divorcing Parenting Class at the courthouse. The guidelines, as acted out by the two teachers and portrayed in a special video, demonstrated tenets like, ‘Don’t use the kids as messengers,’ ‘Stay focused on the kids and what cool things they’re into,’ and ‘Don’t disrespect the other spouse (present or absent) for the kids’ edification.’”
—Arch, Londonderry, Vt., married 18 years, divorced 1 year
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“I have never been more scared in my life than when I had to tell the kids that their father and I were splitting up. You have to stress to them that they are loved tremendously by both parents, that they will continue to see both of you, and that the divorce had nothing to do with them whatsoever. Kids tend to blame themselves for this stuff.”
—Angie Bullock, Barrelville, Md., married 10 years, divorced 4 years
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“If you have children, pay attention to them during the divorce, because they are going through a harder time than you are.”
—Joe, Long Island, N.Y.
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“Use child-custody mediation. It forces parents to work together to devise a plan that is acceptable to both of them. This plan may be very structured, specifying the day-to-day time-share of the children, as well as plans for holidays, vacations, and other special issues of the family. You can avoid the battles that are so damaging to kids, and you can include the kids in the decision-making. The last thing I wanted was for my kids to think my husband and I were fighting over them. This way they had some say in how we handled it, and they both told me afterward how happy they were about that.”
—Audry Wisneski, Sewickley, Pa., married 14 years, divorced 1 year
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© 2006, Hundreds of Heads Books, Inc.