Let's Talk About Romance

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions and comments about relationships. I am single like you, facing the frustrations of navigating the world of dating. That said, I see this column as a conversation between us.

Hi Rachel,
I am 52 and never been married. I am financially stable, exercise and like to travel. I enjoy discussing most things. I am looking for a special person - intelligent, kind, nice-looking and family-oriented. I may be too old to start a family but have not ruled it out. Time is running out. I am not good at dating and am busy with work and errands. What advice do you have?
-J.R.

Dear J.R.,
I urge you to put the emphasis on relationship-hunting that you have toward your career. I know it feels counterintuitive to look for women like you would a job, but you must up your opportunities for romance. Take singles trips, join online dating sites, even hire a traditional matchmaker. Truth is, I don't think many of us are good at dating. It's an artificial construct requiring people to skip the bonds made by friendship and move directly to romance. Plus, it's stressful to feel like you're on a job interview with an hour-long coffee date to sell yourself.

However, romantic introductions are as old as time. And our modern forms provide at least just that -an introduction. Fortunately, there are dating coaches who can help you make a good impression. Emory University's Center for Lifelong Learning, for example, has offered lectures to that effect.

In the meantime, try to take the pressure off of yourself by viewing dates with the curiosity of an adventure without saddling yourself with unrealistic expectations. Most dates won't work out. And if they did, finding a match wouldn't be so special.

Hi Rachel,
I've gone out on multiple dates with someone. I like her, we have similar interests, but I never have that “I really want to be doing something with her” feeling you have when you're into someone. Or maybe what's bothering me is that she told me she didn't have a newspaper subscription. As the crazy newspaper reader and writer I am, this really disappointed me, but I'm weird.
-Dating in D.C.

Dear D.C.,
Give it a little more time to see if your interest develops. If you still like hanging out with her, there's no harm done unless you're exclusive and unable to investigate other options. But please give her the respect of your honesty: Indicate how you feel so she can respond accordingly. Eventually someone will want more of a commitment, and you will either move forward or not. But don't push yourself into liking someone. That should come naturally.

As for the newspapers -hon, if you want to find someone under 35 who subscribes to a paper, good luck. Heck, I'm a reporter, and I don't even subscribe to a paper. Scrap that one off your list, or you'll be left to dating yourself.

Finally, a chat in response to my column in which I singled out two indications that a relationship is a good one -when partners say they feel lucky, fortunate or blessed for their union and resolve their conflicts well:

From Scott in Atlanta:

1. I would add elated to the lucky/fortunate/blessed list. It describes how I feel when it's right.

2. Couldn't agree more with your thoughts on conflict resolution. I've always believed that communication is the key to all relationships. If one person puts it all out there and the other doesn't, it usually won't work.

Scott: I hear ya on elatedness, but I believe the state of euphoria can last.

Me: Apparently it lasts seven years, a.k.a. “seven-year itch.” But I'm sure there are those very rare couples who continue to feel euphoria all their lives. Perhaps you will be among them. :)